Blue Angels Flyover Brings Solidarity to Detroit Amidst Heavily Politicized Global Pandemic

You are aware of the current global pandemic of Covid-19. You are also more than likely aware of the polar politcizing that has also been attached to the issue. I personally have experienced the heated debate fueled by quarantine alcoholism, even in my own marriage. But today the Detroit area was blessed with some much needed common ground.

People all around the Metro Detroit area briefly staggered our of their quarantine caves with squinty eyes and hands shielding the sun to view a flyover from the Navy's Blue Angel F/A-18 jets. Afterwards, social media practically exploded with a solidified opinion from both sides of the political spectrum that this planned event truly sucked. Unable to see it myself, due to a Zoom meeting with a marriage counselor, I set out to see what people thought.

"Yeah, they just kind of, like, flew by. Maybe I just don't get it." Says St. Clair Shores resident Kyle McDermott muffled through a mask. McDermott, who claims to be left-leaning in the political spectrum agrees with Tom Wadler who lives across the street. Wadler is a self-proclaimed alt-right conservative and typically says things like, "I'm not racist, but" and trails off on racist tirade. Wadler and McDermott don't typically see eye-to-eye, but do agree on the lameness witnessed here today. Wadler added, "The whole jet thing is kind of gay if you ask me."

Thanks are in order to the United States Navy for bringing us together in these trying times. Becky, if you're reading this, please come home. I'm sorry.

Did the Ghost of Dave Thomas Return to This Detroit Wendy's?

DETROIT - "He most certainly did," claims Detroit resident Sylvia Young, "and I've never seen someone so mad in my entire life." Young works at a nearby law office and is allotted 30 minutes for her lunch. Friday, June 14th she had prepared a container of a leftover pasta dish from the night before, however she left it on the counter in a rush to work. This was a mistake that lead to a course of events that Young will not soon forget.

Young arrived at the Wendy's on 8 Mile and Livernois at 11:55 AM. Much to her surprise there were only two groups ahead of her in line, as this was lunch time. This would work perfectly for her 30 minute lunch, or so she thought. It took her entire half hour lunch before she placed her order due to either incompetence or arrogance behind the counter. "At that point I was starting to lose money and I was getting anxious. I had to get back to work. I vowed never to return to this Wendy's."

In-house artist's rendition of actual events occuring last Friday, Jue 14th.

That's when Young witnessed the return of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas. "Before I left, a transparent apparition of Dave Thomas came to me. He placed a hand on my shoulder, and with a tear in his eye he told me he deeply apologizes." Young claims that Thomas then went on to deliver the worst tirade of angry hamburger vulgarity that was spoken since the McDonald Brother's cursed Ray Croc. Young left a little disappointed in the whole experience, but felt better knowing that the deceased watch over us. She ate her lunch at her desk. They forgot her Caesar Side Salad.

Scientists Find Temporal Rift in Warren Bar

WARREN - Nestled between an eroding parking lot full of irrationally tall weeds and yet another industrial trash fabricator on 8 Mile between Hoover and Van Dyke in Warren, is Hitching Post Bar and Grill. To the passerby it looks like every other bar in Warren. It's not really clean looking, but neither is it awfully filthy. It's almost as if it's too normal for the area. It's almost as if someone was trying to make sure people don't enter the bar and grill. Upon research funded by ROCKET Mortgage by Quicken Loans, Dr. Lawrence Lagoinas soon found out that this was to be true.  

"I never seen no one leave there, I don't think." said a self-proclaimed "totally sober" south Warren resident, "Granted, I never seen no one go in either, though." 

Dr. Lagoinas, of Macomb Community College, has speculations beyond a reasonable doubt that within the walls lies a temporal rift. This rift has been taking anyone who enters the building and depositing their skeletal remains underground in Macomb Township sometime between 1973 and 1975. Dr. Lagoinas has a few theories on this rift, one being being that the clearly out-of-date satellite dish on the roof was deviously installed by a deranged WCCC drop-out to collect cosmic radiation fueling the time-portal. The other has to do with what Dr. Lagoinas calls a "Time Wizard", pictured below by the Google Maps Streetview car back in September.

"It's easy to see she's a Time Wizard. She's practicing classic temporal manipulation techniques right there in the parking lot." - Dr. Lagoinas.

Dr. Lagoinas comments, "I mean, even if there wasn't a temporal rift that obliterates your innards in that building, I'd still hesitate to enter it. Just look at that place." Dr. Lagoinas continues his research and hopes to find out more information on the source of this enigma in the coming months.

New Detroit Restaurant Was Previously a Restaurant

DETROIT - Everyone is well aware that Detroit's food scene is hotter than a ghost pepper. All sorts of the fanciest and ground breakingist gastro-eatery pubs are popping up. We've seen the conversion of old factories, like The Cork and Gabel. We've seen church conversions, like Atwater Brewery's "Atwater in the Park" Biergarten. We've seen it all around here and we know what works. But Sabastiano Mariano of Eastpointe has a vision that some of us may not be able to see. Mariano is in the process of trying to open a restaurant through renovating an old restaurant. "It makes perfect sense." says Mariano, "What don't you understand about this?"

Mariano is blazing a trail that may become a trend in the city, yet he probably doesn't even know it. "Restaurants become restaurants. Factories remain as factories. That's not a world I want to live in, but it's a cunning plan and we will see how it plays out." says the owner of the buzzy cocktail-centric steakhouse, Grey Ghost. "He's actually going to use prebuilt tables and not build his own?" asks the puzzled owner of the local Micro-Nano Brewery Batch Brewing Co.

Mariano plans to open his concept restaurant on the corner of John R and Canfield in the bones of the abandoned La Palma Restaurant building. Mariano plans to cut renovation costs by actually using the old equipment and tables from the existing restaurant. He plans to serve what he calls "a pretty normal menu with reasonable portions at a good price." The idea may seem outlandish, but only time will tell if this business plan will be one for Detroit history books. We wished Mariano the best of luck to which he responded, "Why are you even interviewing me?"

Will Self-Driving Cars Lead to Self-Loving People?

Image via "Source for Image Goes Here"

DETROIT - There are numerous positives to the advent of driver-less vehicles. Some of which are the fact that we no longer have to pay angry unionized bus drivers, you can stare at your phone even more, and road-rage will be done by a computer for you. Motor companies hope to make the roads safer and more convenient for "drivers" in the future. There are certainly naysayers when it comes to the safety of driver-less cars, and the debate rages in online forums that usually end in racist comments.


But with all of the talk about fancy TI-86's taking physical control of our vehicles, we forget how human the driver in the front seat actually is. It's predicted by research companies that driver-less cars will lead to more instances of traffic masturbation. Or the "Interstate 'Bate" as called by Head of Road Speculation at the Institute for Automotive Research, Tim Gerude. "I mean, you've been there I'm sure. You're lying on the couch on your phone and your wife is at Meijer with the kids. You come across an ad with a fairly attractive woman and there's no stopping at that point. There is no reason why this won't happen in traffic." say Tim. He brings a valid point to the table. This will cause issues in the future. When questioned further on the subject, Gerude replied "You're not going to say anything to my wife about this, are you?"

Beginning to think that this may be a bigger issue than Gerude lead on, I wanted to speak with the developers of these vehicles. I was able to get in touch with one at a locally based motor company. "Are you serious? It's not an issue that I'm willing to talk about." says automotive electronic engineer, Brad Imecki. And to Imecki, I say "That's probably the issue right there, dude." Perhaps the unwillingness to even converse about the issue will only perpetuate it in the future. Should we be afraid for our future generations? Will traffic masturbation plague the I-75 and I-94 interchanges? Will they change the name of Jefferson to Jackerson? Michigan Ave to Miss Michigan Ave? 'Bate Mile Rd? The answer is yes, they will.