Will Self-Driving Cars Lead to Self-Loving People?

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DETROIT - There are numerous positives to the advent of driver-less vehicles. Some of which are the fact that we no longer have to pay angry unionized bus drivers, you can stare at your phone even more, and road-rage will be done by a computer for you. Motor companies hope to make the roads safer and more convenient for "drivers" in the future. There are certainly naysayers when it comes to the safety of driver-less cars, and the debate rages in online forums that usually end in racist comments.


But with all of the talk about fancy TI-86's taking physical control of our vehicles, we forget how human the driver in the front seat actually is. It's predicted by research companies that driver-less cars will lead to more instances of traffic masturbation. Or the "Interstate 'Bate" as called by Head of Road Speculation at the Institute for Automotive Research, Tim Gerude. "I mean, you've been there I'm sure. You're lying on the couch on your phone and your wife is at Meijer with the kids. You come across an ad with a fairly attractive woman and there's no stopping at that point. There is no reason why this won't happen in traffic." say Tim. He brings a valid point to the table. This will cause issues in the future. When questioned further on the subject, Gerude replied "You're not going to say anything to my wife about this, are you?"

Beginning to think that this may be a bigger issue than Gerude lead on, I wanted to speak with the developers of these vehicles. I was able to get in touch with one at a locally based motor company. "Are you serious? It's not an issue that I'm willing to talk about." says automotive electronic engineer, Brad Imecki. And to Imecki, I say "That's probably the issue right there, dude." Perhaps the unwillingness to even converse about the issue will only perpetuate it in the future. Should we be afraid for our future generations? Will traffic masturbation plague the I-75 and I-94 interchanges? Will they change the name of Jefferson to Jackerson? Michigan Ave to Miss Michigan Ave? 'Bate Mile Rd? The answer is yes, they will.